July 10, 2013
Top 10 Hotties of Game of Thrones

In a show tailor made for men, this one goes out to the ladies…

10. Tywin Lannister

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Can you say, “Sugar Daddy?” Sure, he’s oppressively savage to his youngest son, but this dude is just trying to keep shit together. I think he realizes he raised two fucking morons who, in all their infinite beauty, only found love in their sibling. Tywin keeps it OG. He skins his own deer, runs the fucking country, keeps Joffrey in line (somewhat), and is ultimately just in a lot of matters. His justice has limits, but he doesn’t really give a shit, and why should he?

Why he’s not #1: Well, because he’s so freaking mean to Tyrion. It breaks my heart every time they interact. Plus, he has no clue how to raise children. Period. And that is a deal-breaker.

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"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."

9. Robb Stark

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So, obviously, Robb is super hot and he’s fighting for the good of his people. He’s honorable and just. But he’s sooo one-dimensional. In a world of fictional characters who are incredibly complex, Robb is very basic. However, he’s a good guy. He would take care of you, your kids, and your fairy tale kingdom and look good doing it.

Why he’s not #1: Robb totally lost it for me when he said to his uncle that he’s jeopardizing the war effort if he doesn’t marry that girl. UH WUT? Rewind. He’s basically a temporary hero for fans who can’t handle the fact that Westeros seems like the worst fucking place to live ever.

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I said, “Let’s bang.”

8. Viserys Targaryen

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Viserys is crazy hot. That’s most of the reason he’s on this list. He’s a fool and went about everything all wrong, but can anyone tell me where he was wrong? He never got what he bargained for and (in a drunken rage) asked for his end of the deal. It’s a shame most beautiful people are dumb because Viserys really could have been great eye candy.

Why he’s not #1: Well, he did say he would let pretty much anyone and everyone rape his sister, he threatened to kill her, and he was a complete bitch.

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Yes, I think I do want to wake the dragon.

7. Khal Drogo

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This dude does not fuck around. Drogo is savage and really terrifying. But damn, he has a soft side that just won’t quit. He protects his own, man. I would totally want him around all the time.

Why he’s not #1: If I have to eat a horse heart to be in your good graces, I don’t know if I’m about that life. Also, he is a little rapey.

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This speaks for itself.

6. Jaime Lannister

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I don’t imagine he’ll be…hand…of the king anytime soon. However, Jaime is a solid playa. Yes, he intended to kill a child BUT ONLY TO KEEP THE MOMENTUM IN THE BEDROOM GOING. True, it was his sister…but incest in the middle ages is what drugs were in the 60’s. Socially taboo, really not good for you, but everyone did it and you probably got a few good stories out of it. But I digress. Jaime is more than we initially thought. Brienne brings out the best of him and I cannot wait for them to bang. Jaime is a good person. He’s also very bad. But he has great redeeming qualities. Don’t tell me you can’t change a man because Brienne gets tha motha fucking job did. When’s the last time someone saved you from a bear? I’m gonna bet NEVER.

Why he’s not #1: Incest, murder, gimpy hand, and he’s a little too pretty-boy looking for my taste.

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I see right through your tough-guy exterior.

5. Eddard Stark

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The honorable Eddard Stark. Why oh why did you have to be so loyal? Ned has got it going on. He is good, noble, and honorable. Unfortunately, if you’re well liked, George R.R. Martin is going to chop your fucking head off in front of your children. Ned seems to be a wonderful person. But to be quite honest, we know very little about him which leads me to…

Why he’s not #1: Because he fucking placed honor and loyalty above his family. That’s why he died. Lest we forget he cheated on his wife, he of course, did the honorable thing by keeping and caring for the child. But God forbid he love him just as much as his legitimate children. God forbid he tell his wife to not blame the child for his wandering disco stick. I’m sure that fatty fucking king was worth leaving your family after your wife pleaded you to stay. Don’t tell me Westeros was peaceful after the Mad King died. Nah man, he should have known what the fuck he was up against. Seriously though Ned, you had your priorities on a scrambler.

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But Lord Jesus you are so fucking good.

4. Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish

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Yes, I’m probably a little psychotic for putting Lord Baelish at #4. But I’m not new to this Game of Thrones. Marriage is not an act of love, but a strategic game changer (#REDWEDDING). But there is no denying his charm and good looks. He’s totally someone you want on your side in this world. He is playing the game. You know what honor gets you in Westeros? It gets your head on spike - thats what. And it’s not like he didn’t warn Ned. I would be lying if I said a little part of me didn’t want Catelyn to run into his arms after Ned died (SHUT UP, LET ME TALK). But I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t like, “Waddafak is he doing? What a bitch. Get away from her you skeeze.” But it’s all part of Littlefinger’s charm. He’s the one you hate to love.

Why he’s not #1: He helped capture Ned, he tried to sleep with Ned’s wife, he’s a little pervy, he owns brothels, doesn’t really give a shit about anyone, aaand he’s kind of evil.

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You ain’t gotta play games with me, honay. I will always luv u.

3. Tyrion Lannister

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Oh, Tyrion, you’re a gentleman and a scholar. The definition of self-made-man (not really, but you get where I’m going). He’s managed to stay humble even though he’s stupid wealthy. It may have also had something to do with the fact that he’s 3 feet tall and under crippling guilt and torment from his family but whateva. I knew I would love him the moment he slapped Joffrey. He’s the only one to stand up to that little bitch too (however, not sure how realistic it is that Joffuckery hasn’t chopped his head off yet). Ain’t nothin but a G thing, babay. He’s smart, loving, and not rapey like everyone else in Westeros. Also he’s a bad motha fucka in a world of really bad mother fuckers (I’m sure that will probably become a pun the further along in the series we get).

Why he’s not #1: Call me shallow, but you’re thinking it too. I’m not sure how the midget thing would work. Not that I blame him, but Tyrion’s also kind of an alcoholic. But worst of all, despite his lady-love’s pleas to run away with her, he stays in Death Valley A.K.A. Kings Landing just so he can keep fucking with his family’s brains. LAME.

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GODDAMN.

2. Jorah Mormont

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Jorah, Jorah, Jorah. To be entirely honest, the only reason Jorah isn’t number one is because he has one teeny, tiny flaw. Yes, he was exiled from Westeros for selling slaves. But have you seen Westeros lately? Slaves is, like, the least of their issues. JUST SAYIN. Every time he looks at Dany he gives the look. You know, ‘the way every girl wants to be looked at’ look. He’s hot, he’s loyal, he’s single and ready to mingle - kind of. I feel for him so much. He practically screams at Kahleesi that he loves her and all she does it bitch, bitch, bitch. He is perfection.

Why he’s not #1: Slavery, I guess.

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Sippin’ on that pimp juice to get in the mood.

1. Jon Snow

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Because how on Earth could you not pick Jon Snow as number one? His flaws? Maybe that he has some heavy emotional baggage. But he doesn’t mope around like most emotionally destroyed characters. He. Moves. The. Fuck. On. He can’t advance in Westeros because his dad couldn’t keep the snake in the cage. Does he cry about it? No, he joins the Nights Watch and protects the whole fucking kingdom from zombies. Jon is undoubtedly the most moral character in the series. Plus, he’d totally be a good father. Look how he was with Arya. And he’s hot - so theres that.

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Me too, Jon. Me too.


EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LADIESSS
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    WHERE THE HECK ARE DAARIO NAHARIS AND JAQEN H’GHAR?!
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